My Battle with Fear

My Battle with Fear

 

 

I will end on a hopeful note. I’ll not make you worry.

An odd place to mention the End, at the beginning of your story, but I think it’s important to note that this is an encouraging story, because we need encouragement, the both of us. We are of a like mind, you and I. Living in a like time of mindlessness and misdirection. Living a life devoid of meaning and wisdom, partitioned off in a vast maze of discontent, hidden among a haze of the displaced and unrepentant of the world. All lost and hurting, it’s all rather disconcerting, and you now understand my initial blurting of ambition.

Because the cause of all this dross, red tape, and uneasy applause is simple. It’s you and I doing “you and I” things of no small import. Like trusting one another at the airport. Of course, that’s no simple thing you must be thinking, standing, and inwardly screaming. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Yet at the core of every issue, there’s nothing more than a fight and who started it, but whoever picks up the sword with the intent to shed their brother’s blood is already in the wrong.

But here I am lecturing when this story is supposed to be about me, and that’s the real story written already. I’d rather address all of you. You who obviously struggle with fear like I do, because it is at the root of all the aforementioned. It is the overwhelming and undeniable force that keeps me from waking up on time. Because I’m afraid to wake up at all. The morning is terrifying. Because I wince to think of another day wasted. One wasted without making a connection, or moving in a solid direction. One where I continue to let the world be as it shouldn’t.

A world where I have no say. But I keep talking about the world. I’m pushing inward you see, and the defense mechanisms my psyche has developed are strong ones. It’s another misdirection. One that may have come from out there, one that’s been pounded into me from the day I was born.

Obey, don’t think, obey. Continue on as if nothing bothers you, witness a crime on your front doorstep, and know that this is the way of things. Mind your business and take a step back into your routine noticing nothing and achieving less.

Minimize your carbon footprint.

Almost as if the inertia of all of the billions of people in history who never reached their potential is crushing against my mind to keep me from rising above the glass ceiling. An infinitude of souls, acting like crabs in a bucket.

That was closer. I got to be talking about the ethereal, which is spiritual, which is closer to introspection. What’s needed is a meeting of minds. If the intellectual could embrace the otherworldly I think that would be a good start.

But then both sides of the coin recoil in fear and disinterest. The mind exclaims about his unseen companion: “I can hardly stand the sight of her. She’s airy, flighty, insubstantial, and uncontainable. I have no interest in someone sharing that many characteristics with the wind. Everything is wishy washy, neither here nor there, and agree to disagree. I won’t have it! There’s a world and you have to live in it. There’s no room in it for intuition, gut reaction, and intangible notions of any sort!”

She replies: “He’s much too pompous. He has to have a line and a border for every sentence he utters, he never flies or flutters off into a fanciful flow of words, nouns and verbs, intersecting like birds in a cloudless sky, be they truth or a lie. Wherever there’s no room for poetry, I haven’t the slightest interest in visiting, and I doubt I’d be welcome.”

However, the truth is that they’re mad for one another. The intellect, as it stands, treats the spirit like she’s on the other side of a glory hole in a public bathroom.  Going for encouragement and force of will whenever he needs to get his rocks off.

And the spirit obliges like a generous dame, only too happy to indulge in a little flirtatiously fallacious act. If only she wouldn’t put out so easily. It’s much better to make the intellect chase you. Then we could get an honest relationship going and the offspring would be a happy and fulfilled life.

I’m almost at it, the core of the issue. This was an imaginary distraction aimed in one last ditch effort to avoid the inner gaze.

The light that will shine upon this fear that infests me, arrests me, and pesters me to no end. But there is an end, and I can see it coming. It comes when my heart starts believing what my mind is telling it:

…that there is nothing to be afraid of.

While there’s plenty that can hurt you, it’s only pain. And once you’re past that, it’s over and you’re done.

So why not do, what you want to do? Why not Live? Dance, love, and give of yourself to the world, to one another, to something greater than the both of us?

I suppose I’m addressing you as much as me. Rebound from fear, look inward in any way you can, and then travel outward, as far as you can go.

 

1 Comment

  1. Sandra Donnelly

    Great writing and awesome introspection.
    What a wonderful ending in how to view and overcome fear.
    Thanks for a look into your mind.