Cecil F***ing Peoples

Cecil F***ing Peoples

Today, I will be speaking to you about one the most infamous, notorious, and irritatingly inattentive figures in MMA history. This man stands head and shoulders above other human beings in his profession, both in height and incompetence. Today I speak to you about Cecil Fucking Peoples.

Normally, I detest being mean spirited and writing hit pieces. Especially against such an easy and uncomprehending target. However, Cecil Fucking Peoples is so inept that it behooves me to express righteous indignation at his continued involvement in mixed martial arts. You know what’s funny? I can’t name a single other judge in MMA. He is the only one. Why do you think that is? It’s because he’s been on the wrong end of so many bad decisions that it’s freaking impossible to ignore this clown.

I have often wondered if Peoples is watching the same matches as the other judges, and it has often been theorized in my circle of friends that he spends a good majority of the fights playing Angry Birds on an IPad rather than judging.

He’s been credited with such brilliant quotes as, “If you don’t like my decision on Machida vs Shogun you can go to hell!” or “Leg kicks don’t win fights.”  I guess he’s never heard of Forest Griffin, Jose Aldo,  Mirko Flipovic, Pedro Rizzo or any other high level Muay Thai specialist. Of course leg kicks win fights. They do devastating damage to the only means of movement a fighter has. For a Karate guy, who utilizes kicks in his own training, I should think it would be pretty obvious how important it is to keep them from being damaged.

Another unforgettable quote from the Joe Biden of black guys: The King of the Cage championship belt is: “The most prestigious belt in the world.”

…Really?

It’s not a UFC belt? It’s not the K1 Grand Prix belt? Nope? King of the Cage. That’s the most prestigious, enviable, and sought after belt in the world.  Right on. I guess Junior Dos Santos will be aiming to snatch that one up after his 3rd successful title defense against Velasquez in December. I mean, he’s all about national pride for Brazil and everything, so he must want that King of the Cage belt really badly.

Oh wait a second, JDS isn’t a spectacular dolt. He must realize that his belt is way more important, impressive, and superior to a King of the Cage belt in every way.

But these are superficialities, and honestly, simple silly mistakes that every human being is entitled to. Words are not what get him on everyone’s shit list. It’s his terrible and unfathomable inability to judge or officiate a fight. Let’s take a brief moment to examine his three most high profile missteps as a referee.

Firstly, he once began a match with: “Let’s dance.” Now I’ll have to give him the benefit of the doubt here, perhaps he wasn’t paying attention during the referee orientation, and thought that he was a judge in a violent, homoerotic, interpretive ballet competition.  Maybe he just has severe dementia. Or it could be that he just returned from a Mortal Kombat 90’s movie marathon, and just couldn’t quit nerding out over how badass Johnny Cage is.

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I like to think this is the case and that after the match he whispered under his breath: “Those were 500 dollar sunglasses, asshole.” Then proceeded to look for a high five from Raiden, realized he was alone in a locker room, and quickly resumed living in a richly imagined fantasy world where he is an awesome Kung Fu master capable of defeating Goro.

While humorous for the viewer and uncomfortable for everyone around him, that first faux pas, was still only verbal. It is therefore forgivable, since we all misspeak from time to time. What we do not do, is use a professional fight between two world class athletes as an opportunity to show how much we painstakingly practice Kata.

Check this silly shit out. Skip to 22 seconds to see the karate oddity, but check the rest of the video for a good laugh. It’s like the anti-highlight reel.

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Then there’s his early stoppage via dog pile. Not only was it a bad stoppage where the fighter was still intelligibly defending himself, but it was also borderline molestation. I can only think that Peoples was trying to work out the constant narcissistic half-chubby that he has for his own impeccable grandiose self-image by grinding against the buttocks of a professional athlete. Not unlike a small dog humping a larger dog while it’s dominating a beta. Nate Quarry is trying to assert his canine dominance when suddenly he gets sandwiched between a rock and a hard place. The hard place was in Cecil’s pants.

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I assert that Cecil Peoples is a homosexual with little to no regard for, knowledge of, or aptitude in mixed martial arts.

I would now like to apologize to the gay community for associating such a bumbling moron of Bebop and Rocksteadian proportions with the increasingly socially acceptable act of man love.  Honestly, it’s nothing negative on you guys. I’m merely equating an unbelievably inadequate man’s sexually suspect ineptitude with your lifestyle for my own amusement. Don’t read into it, every gay man I’ve ever met acts with more grace and intelligence than the stunningly maladroit Mr. Peoples.

Then there’s his judging. This is the most incessantly annoying part of Peoples’ resume. His incredible misapplication of judgement, more than any other single human being,  has led to the rise of the phrase: “don’t leave it in the hands of the judges.” The rest of that idiom should read something like, “these hands are slick with the sweat and tears of fighters that have been robbed by Cecil Peoples.” Some of his famous indecisions include Tito Ortiz v. Forest Griffin fight at UFC 59 and the Bisping v. Hamill at UFC 75. Both of which are famous for being clear robberies. The same goes for the aforementioned Shogun v. Machida.

These were all huge influential fights that had implications for future title contention, and they were placed squarely on the judgement of a man who doesn’t know a damn thing about grappling, effective striking, and most likely counting beyond the number 10. His extensive karate background qualifies him to judge point fighting, but accuracy doesn’t count for near as much a damage in a sport like MMA. I’m just getting really tired of having to expect terrible judging whenever I hear this idiot’s name before a fight. Honestly, I’m tired of expecting terrible judging at any MMA event, because he’s just a symptom of a greater problem. Terrible judging in MMA is widespread, he’s just the most blatant example.

I could go on, but what’s the point? I believe this is enough character assassination for today.

In conclusion, Cecil Peoples fails at being a referee, a judge, and at being a straight man; this is meant as an admittedly childish knock on his pale facade of masculinity, and in no way should be misconstrued as an insult to the homosexual community, who are on the whole a fun loving and entertaining bunch’a queers.

I can say “queers” right? It’s still okay for straight people to keep a few politically incorrect words and phrases in the vernacular isn’t it? I mean, honestly the word “fags” would have sounded better in that sentence, but I didn’t want to offend anybody. Points for effort? Whatever, this is retarded… I mean, err… uh,  mentally slow? Ah shit. Can we just declare the whole English language fair game again? Could everybody just assume that they shouldn’t  take me seriously when I call Cecil Peoples a gay retarded cunty dick clown?  Probably not. But I promise that I only really mean about half of it.

Good night, folks!