Fraggin Bastiches

Fraggin Bastiches

So I rediscovered an anti-hero from my youth recently. [amazon_link id="1401216692" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]Lobo[/amazon_link]. Pretty cool right? He’s a ridiculously overpowered alien biker with a penchant for murder, mayhem, and oddly enough: cute little fishies. Honestly, his antics are so silly it’s difficult to take the mass deplorable violence seriously. It’s also hard to believe he actually had a cameo on the kid’s animated adventures of Superman. A whole episode devoted to a mass murderer by virtue of hilarity. Whatever, I’m sure Warner Brother’s made money. Even so, this character is a piece of work even by my standards.His origin story is one of self-imposed social alienation, followed quickly by genocide. That’s right, “The Main Man” didn’t want to look like anybody else, so he kills everyone on his peace-loving home world Czarnia. He then proceeds to become the universe’s most feared bounty hunter. He even has a fairly famous feud with The aforementioned last son of Krypton, the first episode of which ends with him kicking the ever loving crap out of the big blue boyscout, while completely intoxicated. A drunk beating up Superman? Can’t help but let my inner child go all giggly with that one.Not only has Lobo trounced the Man of Steel, but he’s taken out a couple of other noteworthy icons.

The first two that come to mind are Death and Santa Claus. In an epic miniseries Lobo fights a bounty hunter who’s as bad as he is, ends up dying, but is rejected by both heaven and hell for being too damned rowdy. As a result he makes a deal with heaven that makes him completely immortal. Ya hear that? What’s the message we’re sending to our children? Don’t take shit from anybody! Not even metaphysical beings possessing immense amounts of power! ESPECIALLY not them.

Later a hit is put out on the far-famed jolly fat man and the infamous Scourge o’the cosmos is contracted to take out ol St. Nick. But who would want to kill [amazon_link id="1401209920" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]Santa[/amazon_link]? None other than that jealous cotton-tailed prick, the Easter Bunny. Santa had a corner on the holiday money market an the rabbit wanted in. Unfortunately, the big elf also happens to be an incontestable knife fighter. That’s too much action for a cute rodent to handle. Enter: Lobo. Another round of crimson carnage ensues and the Main Man emerges scarred but victorious.

Alright, I realize that so far this has been a completely pointless nerd-gasm. I guess I’m really just exercising my right to get someone else to appreciate the irreverence and relative under-the-radar status of one of my favorite literary genres. Seriously, any nine year old kid could go buy a comic book featuring today’s subject. I did. Lobo was one of my favorite characters growing up. He was just as mean as a snake and funny to boot. But good God man. His weekly adventures regularly included bar fights that concluded in the disembowelment of some poor feeb too dumb to realize he shouldn’t bother the gigantic pale white guy with the chain and hook. I’m just saying: parents watch what your kids are reading. Because chances are it appeals to their adolescent sensibilities and encourages them to gut their neighbors and utter nonsensical profanities, i.e. “Feetals Gizz! You know you can’t run over my skateboard and not expect me to eat yer Fraggin entrails!” <—(actual dialogue from the character)

Well, I’m gonna rap this up since I’ve been rambling incoherently about an obscure 90′s comic book character for about five paragraphs too many now. Hopefully I’ll dig into something with a little more substance for my next post. A critical examination of Iron man’s drinking problem perhaps? Might be fun. Lord give me the patience to accept the things I cannot change…